One of our pool members has discovered some unpublished memorandums between Tiger Woods and his agents. The validity of these memos and the reliability of their sources have not been checked, but in journalism today such burdensome tasks only slow down the distribution of information. And we can't have that here. So, here they are:
Memo
From: Tiger Woods
To: Rocky Cliff, IMG
Rockster, my wife is not buying this whole devoted husband thing. You need to fix this now. I pay you enough money, so please turn back time to the night of my accident. I'll just hide somewhere, not get drilled in the face by E, and not wreck my car.
Then I can go back to doing what I do best, dominating!
Memo
From: Rocky Cliff, IMG
To: Tiger Woods
Tiger, you've handled this like a champion. A real Champion, with a capital "C"! We at IMG are all in awe of how well you've handled this crisis. My god, I get tears in my eyes just thinking about it. You've been great, just great!
Bad news on the turning back time thing, we looked into it and we can't make it happen just yet. Tough luck, if anyone could do it, you know IMG could, but the technology isn't there yet.
I just want to say that you've got the prettiest wife, the cutest kids, you're the best golfer ever, you're super, super smart, and you are number one at everything big guy!
Memo
From: Tiger Woods
To: Rocky Cliff
I have kids? Are those the really small humans E brings out to the practice tee sometimes, or makes me hold the Gulfstream an extra five minutes before I go to Vegas so I can hang out with these little midget like things? Is that them? I've been wondering, damn.
Send Cheryl down to Palm Beach to focus group my new glare. I've been working on it for two months. When I want to let the whole world know how they are just annoying me as I achieve some more goals, I think I have a new glare that will just show what
a. a total badass I am
b. how serious I am about everything I do, because I'm about one thing - excellence
c. that I'm pissed off and impatient because I'm smarter and better than everyone that is around me at any given time, all these people just slow me down and get in my way!
d. you get from me if you say anything to me or look at me - you get glared at, because I'm just not going to take that from anyone.
PS - the old glare is gone, I kind of wore it out. I'm planning on employing the new glare about 14 hours a day. A little off topic, but are you still telling people that I only need 4 hours sleep a day? Keep telling them that, it shows I'm better than regular people who need regular sleep.
Memo
From: Rocky Cliff
To: Tiger Woods
Yes, Tiger, those are your kids. You don't realize it since you don't know you have kids, but you're the best dad I've ever had the privilege to meet. You always put your family first!
I love the new glare. We'll focus group it, then we'll deploy it at Augusta. You are planning on playing the Masters this year, aren't you?
IMG has continued to tell everyone that you only sleep 4 hours a night. We also tell everyone that if you didn't play golf, you'd be able to play almost any other professional sport. We also rave to everyone about your business acumen. You're a business genius!
Just wanted to take this opportunity to tell you that I love you. I really, really, love you.
Memo
From: Tiger Woods
To: Rocky Cliff, IMG
Rockster, I'll play Augusta. That whole thing about me taking time off was just to get the media off my back. I hardly play in the spring anyway.
This stupid marriage counseling is a waste. Can you guys hire someone to go in my place? E won't care. The stupid counselor keeps telling me to get in touch with a higher power. I go, like who, God? I laugh when I ask him that because I'm pretty sure that I'm actually God.
You guys need to start charging more for my endorsements. I'm God, everything I do is incredible, and these companies need to start paying for having God in their ads.
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