Sunday, February 21, 2010

Transcript of Tiger's "Press Conference"

PONTE VEDRA BEACH, Fla. (AP) -- Text of Tiger Woods' statement Friday, as transcribed by ASAP Sports:

Good morning, and thank you for joining me. Many of you in this room are my friends. Many of you in this room know me. Many of you have cheered for me or you've worked with me or you've supported me.

Now every one of you has good reason to be critical of me. I want to say to each of you, simply and directly, I am deeply sorry for my irresponsible and selfish behavior I engaged in.

I know people want to find out how I could be so selfish and so foolish. People want to know how I could have done these things to my wife Elin and to my children. And while I have always tried to be a private person, there are some things I want to say.

Elin and I have started the process of discussing the damage caused by my behavior. As Elin pointed out to me, my real apology to her will not come in the form of words; it will come from my behavior over time. We have a lot to discuss; however, what we say to each other will remain between the two of us.

I am also aware of the pain my behavior has caused to those of you in this room. I have let you down, and I have let down my fans. For many of you, especially my friends, my behavior has been a personal disappointment. To those of you who work for me, I have let you down personally and professionally. My behavior has caused considerable worry to my business partners.

To everyone involved in my foundation, including my staff, board of directors, sponsors, and most importantly, the young students we reach, our work is more important than ever. Thirteen years ago, my dad and I envisioned helping young people achieve their dreams through education. This work remains unchanged and will continue to grow. From the Learning Center students in Southern California to the Earl Woods scholars in Washington, D.C., millions of kids have changed their lives, and I am dedicated to making sure that continues.

But still, I know I have bitterly disappointed all of you. I have made you question who I am and how I could have done the things I did. I am embarrassed that I have put you in this position.

For all that I have done, I am so sorry.

I have a lot to atone for, but there is one issue I really want to discuss. Some people have speculated that Elin somehow hurt or attacked me on Thanksgiving night. It angers me that people would fabricate a story like that. Elin never hit me that night or any other night. There has never been an episode of domestic violence in our marriage, ever. Elin has shown enormous grace and poise throughout this ordeal. Elin deserves praise, not blame.

The issue involved here was my repeated irresponsible behavior. I was unfaithful. I had affairs. I cheated. What I did is not acceptable, and I am the only person to blame.

I stopped living by the core values that I was taught to believe in. I knew my actions were wrong, but I convinced myself that normal rules didn't apply. I never thought about who I was hurting. Instead, I thought only about myself. I ran straight through the boundaries that a married couple should live by. I thought I could get away with whatever I wanted to. I felt that I had worked hard my entire life and deserved to enjoy all the temptations around me. I felt I was entitled. Thanks to money and fame, I didn't have to go far to find them.

I was wrong. I was foolish. I don't get to play by different rules. The same boundaries that apply to everyone apply to me. I brought this shame on myself. I hurt my wife, my kids, my mother, my wife's family, my friends, my foundation, and kids all around the world who admired me.

I've had a lot of time to think about what I've done. My failures have made me look at myself in a way I never wanted to before. It's now up to me to make amends, and that starts by never repeating the mistakes I've made. It's up to me to start living a life of integrity.

I once heard, and I believe it's true, it's not what you achieve in life that matters; it's what you overcome. Achievements on the golf course are only part of setting an example. Character and decency are what really count.

Parents used to point to me as a role model for their kids. I owe all those families a special apology. I want to say to them that I am truly sorry.

It's hard to admit that I need help, but I do. For 45 days from the end of December to early February, I was in inpatient therapy receiving guidance for the issues I'm facing. I have a long way to go. But I've taken my first steps in the right direction.

As I proceed, I understand people have questions. I understand the press wants to ask me for the details and the times I was unfaithful. I understand people want to know whether Elin and I will remain together. Please know that as far as I'm concerned, every one of these questions and answers is a matter between Elin and me. These are issues between a husband and a wife.

Some people have made up things that never happened. They said I used performance-enhancing drugs. This is completely and utterly false. Some have written things about my family. Despite the damage I have done, I still believe it is right to shield my family from the public spotlight. They did not do these things; I did.

I have always tried to maintain a private space for my wife and children. They have been kept separate from my sponsors, my commercial endorsements. When my children were born, we only released photographs so that the paparazzi could not chase them. However, my behavior doesn't make it right for the media to follow my two-and-a-half-year-old daughter to school and report the school's location. They staked out my wife and they pursued my mom. Whatever my wrongdoings, for the sake of my family, please leave my wife and kids alone.

I recognize I have brought this on myself, and I know above all I am the one who needs to change. I owe it to my family to become a better person. I owe it to those closest to me to become a better man. That's where my focus will be.

I have a lot of work to do, and I intend to dedicate myself to doing it. Part of following this path for me is Buddhism, which my mother taught me at a young age. People probably don't realize it, but I was raised a Buddhist, and I actively practiced my faith from childhood until I drifted away from it in recent years. Buddhism teaches that a craving for things outside ourselves causes an unhappy and pointless search for security. It teaches me to stop following every impulse and to learn restraint. Obviously I lost track of what I was taught.

As I move forward, I will continue to receive help because I've learned that's how people really do change. Starting tomorrow, I will leave for more treatment and more therapy. I would like to thank my friends at Accenture and the players in the field this week for understanding why I'm making these remarks today.

In therapy I've learned the importance of looking at my spiritual life and keeping in balance with my professional life. I need to regain my balance and be centered so I can save the things that are most important to me, my marriage and my children.

That also means relying on others for help. I've learned to seek support from my peers in therapy, and I hope someday to return that support to others who are seeking help. I do plan to return to golf one day, I just don't know when that day will be.

I don't rule out that it will be this year. When I do return, I need to make my behavior more respectful of the game. In recent weeks I have received many thousands of e-mails, letters and phone calls from people expressing good wishes. To everyone who has reached out to me and my family, thank you. Your encouragement means the world to Elin and me.

I want to thank the PGA TOUR, Commissioner Finchem, and the players for their patience and understanding while I work on my private life. I look forward to seeing my fellow players on the course.

Finally, there are many people in this room, and there are many people at home who believed in me. Today I want to ask for your help. I ask you to find room in your heart to one day believe in me again.

Thank you.

Click here for the video of his statement.

(Tiger's, not Mark's)

See and hear what the networks didn't show you after Tiger's statement on Rule 20-6's "Other Stuff" page.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Tiger Woods Memos Found

One of our pool members has discovered some unpublished memorandums between Tiger Woods and his agents. The validity of these memos and the reliability of their sources have not been checked, but in journalism today such burdensome tasks only slow down the distribution of information. And we can't have that here. So, here they are:


From: Tiger Woods
To: Rocky Cliff, IMG

Rockster, my wife is not buying this whole devoted husband thing. You need to fix this now. I pay you enough money, so please turn back time to the night of my accident. I'll just hide somewhere, not get drilled in the face by E, and not wreck my car.

Then I can go back to doing what I do best, dominating!


From: Rocky Cliff, IMG
To: Tiger Woods

Tiger, you've handled this like a champion. A real Champion, with a capital "C"! We at IMG are all in awe of how well you've handled this crisis. My god, I get tears in my eyes just thinking about it. You've been great, just great!

Bad news on the turning back time thing, we looked into it and we can't make it happen just yet. Tough luck, if anyone could do it, you know IMG could, but the technology isn't there yet.

I just want to say that you've got the prettiest wife, the cutest kids, you're the best golfer ever, you're super, super smart, and you are number one at everything big guy!


From: Tiger Woods
To: Rocky Cliff

I have kids? Are those the really small humans E brings out to the practice tee sometimes, or makes me hold the Gulfstream an extra five minutes before I go to Vegas so I can hang out with these little midget like things? Is that them? I've been wondering, damn.

Send Cheryl down to Palm Beach to focus group my new glare. I've been working on it for two months. When I want to let the whole world know how they are just annoying me as I achieve some more goals, I think I have a new glare that will just show what
a. a total badass I am
b. how serious I am about everything I do, because I'm about one thing - excellence
c. that I'm pissed off and impatient because I'm smarter and better than everyone that is around me at any given time, all these people just slow me down and get in my way!
d. you get from me if you say anything to me or look at me - you get glared at, because I'm just not going to take that from anyone.

PS - the old glare is gone, I kind of wore it out. I'm planning on employing the new glare about 14 hours a day. A little off topic, but are you still telling people that I only need 4 hours sleep a day? Keep telling them that, it shows I'm better than regular people who need regular sleep.


From: Rocky Cliff
To: Tiger Woods

Yes, Tiger, those are your kids. You don't realize it since you don't know you have kids, but you're the best dad I've ever had the privilege to meet. You always put your family first!

I love the new glare. We'll focus group it, then we'll deploy it at Augusta. You are planning on playing the Masters this year, aren't you?

IMG has continued to tell everyone that you only sleep 4 hours a night. We also tell everyone that if you didn't play golf, you'd be able to play almost any other professional sport. We also rave to everyone about your business acumen. You're a business genius!

Just wanted to take this opportunity to tell you that I love you. I really, really, love you.


From: Tiger Woods
To: Rocky Cliff, IMG

Rockster, I'll play Augusta. That whole thing about me taking time off was just to get the media off my back. I hardly play in the spring anyway.

This stupid marriage counseling is a waste. Can you guys hire someone to go in my place? E won't care. The stupid counselor keeps telling me to get in touch with a higher power. I go, like who, God? I laugh when I ask him that because I'm pretty sure that I'm actually God.

You guys need to start charging more for my endorsements. I'm God, everything I do is incredible, and these companies need to start paying for having God in their ads.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

How do you pick’em?

July 7, 2009 - Hugh recently related to me a conversation he had with Dave B. Hugh asked Dave how he went about making his picks. As we all know, Dave is the winningest player in the pool. Not only does he have the most cash winnings, but also the most career tournament wins (14) and the most finishes in the money (31). Dave has cashed in almost one of every three events he has entered. And he took off the spring season of 2007. That’s right, just decided to not play half the year. I think he said he wanted to get his gambling problem under control, or something like that. Someone should have told him, HEY DAVE, IT’S NOT A PROBLEM IF YOU ARE WINNING!

Truthfully, Dave does not and did not have a gambling problem. That was a joke. Please no lawsuits. If I remember correctly he said he had just O.D.’d on fantasy sports leagues and wanted a break. He came back in the summer of ’07 and cashed once that season, 2nd place in the P.G.A. Then in 2008 he cashed a record 10 times. He’s made the money 6 times this year. Out of the last 30 tournaments he’s finished in the money in 16 of them, 5 of those being wins. In the 14 player golf pool world, those are Tiger-like stats. And Hugh is trying to find out how this player on a serious two year heater thinks... Yea, I’m interested. I want to know.

How does this Rule 20-6 Golf Pool legend make his picks: “Oh hell, I usually don’t remember we’re playing until late the night before and I just read down the list of golfers and pick who looks good.” Fuck you Dave. Nobody’s that lucky. I think he has at least three interlinked pc’s calculating information from thousands of sources, from the PGA Tour to the Euro Tour to a hidden webcam in Tiger’s bedroom. He has inside sources at each tour stop. Probably sends Christmas presents to all the caddies. Oh yea, you’re not that damn lucky. You got your ways. We’re on to you.

I am second to Dave in all-time money winnings. I have the second best percentage of finishing in the money and have the best percentage of golfers picked making the cut. I must be doing something right. Unlike Dave, I will tell you the truth about how I make my picks.

I have used a couple methods over the last 5 ½ years. The first year or two I looked primarily at what the golfers had done the weeks leading up to the tournament. I’d go back two or three weeks and look at the leaderboards on and see who was hot and who I felt might be “ready to get hot.” I had pretty good success with that but lots of 2nd’s and not many wins. Then I started looking more at the World Golf Rankings. In fact in several tournaments in late 2005 and 2006 I picked the top 7 players in the W.G.R. playing in that week’s event. I developed an Excel spreadsheet where I copy in the field list and the top 200 or 300 W.G.R. golfers and the sheet spits out the golfers in the field with their ranking. When I was busy with work this was a quick way to pick my team; took about 5-10 minutes.

That worked pretty well until the “young guns” started moving up the Rankings list and the “old” guys started dropping. Then I quit even sniffing the money. To adjust, I combined my old method with the newer one. I still run the field list/WGR spreadsheet, but I also look at the last couple of tournaments. And I like to see the last couple of year’s results from the tournament I’m picking for, if it is held on the same course. Horses for courses, you know. Then I combine who I think is hot with who’s ranked highest.

I try to avoid erratic golfers, guys who win one week and then miss the cut the next three. Actually anyone who misses a lot of cuts is tough for me to pull the trigger on. It seems whenever I try a long-shot he misses the cut. If it weren’t for bad luck I’d have no luck at all… I try not to quote Junior Samples very often either.

And I have not, nor will I ever, pick Michelle Wie. Not everyone in this pool can say that.

I try not to watch the Golf Channel, they seem to only confuse me and make me make bad picks. I watch ESPN to know that I should pick Tiger (do they know there are other golfers playing?).

Overall, I guess that’s a pretty conservative way to do it. I’ve had some success with it, but lately it has only kept me out of last place and not all that close to the money. You would think this method would work in the majors, but it hasn’t. I’ve won only one major and that was the first one we played, the 2004 Masters; 0 for 21 since.

I let my secrets out. Well, maybe not all of them, but a lot more than that fucking liar Dave. Anyone else want to tell how they make their picks? Any unique methods or is everyone just winging it? Any good sources of information anyone would like to share? Post a comment or send me some copy and I’ll post it as an entry. Or if you want to post yourself I’ll send the password.

Later, jns

My usual sources when making picks:

The home site for the tournament, especially majors, listed in the schedule.

RSS feeds:

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

What the Hell...

June 30, 2009 - I thought I'd give this a try. Heck, it's free. Maybe I'll go into a little more depth about the results of each tournament. Or maybe give a little more commentary about what happened during each tournament. Or maybe I'll go off on a rant. Or maybe the thing will sit here and no one will ever look at it like the old message board and chat room. What the fuck, it's here.

If anyone wants to make a post to this blog, let me know and I'll give you the password and you can type away... or just send me an email or Word file (anything with words, really) and I'll put it up. I guess everyone can post comments below each entry, so please feel free to do that. If you want to add links to sites I think that will work too. I did this only to help enhance every one's golf pooling experience. That and I was bored.

Let's get our Blog on!

Later, jns